Couples Fighting Unfair

by Angela Stout

Couples fighting can start from a minor infraction and move rapidly into a destructive conflict with abrupt explosiveness, treating each other as adversarial enemies rather than partners who collaborate for a resolution (Klein, 2026). If you or your partner participates in any of the following, it may be time to evaluate your relationship:

Criticism

A complaint is explaining the reason you are upset – period.  Criticism tacks on judgment of the other’s character (Gottman & Gottman, 2024). Unhealthy: “I’m frustrated that the laundry is all over the couch because you are too lazy to help out around here.”  Healthier: “I’m frustrated that the laundry is all over the couch. Could you help me to fold them so we can have more time together?”

Contempt

Contempt communicates disrespect, sarcasm or mocking, eyerolling, name-calling, or disgust.  (Gottman & Gottman, 2024). Unhealthy: Rolling eyes when your spouse is expressing a concern or using sarcasm such as “Oh right – and worked out so well the last time you did that.” Name-calling is exactly that - “You’re an idiot.” Belittling or condescending remarks are devastating – “Do you ever think before you speak?” Moral superiority may come across as “At least one of us is responsible.”  In addition, dismissing the other’s feelings is another sign of contempt. Healthier: “I see this differently, but I want to understand your perspective.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness responds with counterattacking, refusing responsibility or making excuses for behavior (Gottman & Gottman, 2024). Unhealthy: After spouse calls you out on a promise you made, you say, “Well, you’re ……all the time too! Why are you blaming me?”  Healthier: “You’re right. I should have……. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

Stonewalling

Stonewalling leaves no room for healthy interaction. Instead, the person shuts down from all interaction, refusing to engage, and emotionally checking out (Gottman & Gottman, 2024). Unhealthy: the silent treatment, one-word answers like “whatever,” staring into space while your significant other is talking, or simply walking away without explanation. Healthier: Verbalize that you are feeling overwhelmed at that moment. Ask for a short break, 20 minutes and then return to the conversation.

The undergirding of the disagreements is a desire to be heard, seen, and to feel understand and cared for. There is a need or desire unfulfilled, a longing for closeness. The good news is you can help it. You can change. You can have a great relationship. “Relationship conflict is inevitable. People always have choices in how they will handle conflict” (Klein, 2026).

References

Gottman, J., PhD, & Gottman, J., PhD. (2024). Fight Right. Harmony.

Klein, M., Dr. (2026, June 16). Couples in high conflict. Couples in high conflict.